I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life.
Recently I have been feeling frumpy. Feeling old, mum like, uncool and unfashionable. All the clothes I usually feel great in just suddenly felt basic and unflattering. How can my favourite jeans look so bad every time I put them on? I loved those jeans, now not so much.
Not being one to weigh myself, I decided maybe it was time to jump on the scale to check if this feeling was because I had put on weight or I was having a moment with my self-confidence. Turns out it was not, in fact, all in my head. I had put on weight. This is the most I have ever weighed in my life. I am officially 60kgs. Firstly, I must say, I know to most people this number is small, and many people would love to weigh this little, however, for me this was a shock. The person who has weighed the same for the last ten years has put on four kilograms?!
While many of you may be thinking, four kilos in ten years is nothing Hunny. For me, it was shocking. I have been proud of my slim weight my whole life, and here I was starting to gain weight. Would this mean I will continue to gain weight?! Will I no longer be seen as skinny?!
After my initial shock, I took a step back and realised I was being ridiculous. There are people out there dealing with much bigger issues than a few kilos of weight gain. I am fit and able-bodied, I have my health, who am I to complain about such a problem? It could be much worse.
But try as I might to shake off those feelings and get over it, underneath it all, I still felt like a failure. Surrounded by pretty, young, skinny girls in all of our media who seem never to age or change no matter how much time passes by I couldn't help but think this is the end, it's all downhill from here.
After a couple of weeks of secretly hollowing in self-pity, I realised, One; I was acting like an absolute idiot. I have an incredible life, am I going to let something as stupid as weight take over my headspace? And secondly; I have changed so much as a person since I was 21 why should my body stay the same?
I have grown as a person. I have grown in my career; my fashion sense has improved, (thank god) I feel wiser, calmer, and more secure with myself. I have lost my baby face; my body shape is changing in preparation for babies, whether I am ready or not! And with that comes different weight distributions. But so, what?
Why are we all ok with growing as people yet obsessed with looking the same way we did as teenagers?! Why is it ok to gain wisdom but not gain the wrinkle that comes with it? Our lives change as time goes by, so do our bodies. Let's give ourselves the grace of knowing that is ok.
After a couple of weeks mulling over my weight, I realised; My weight isn't my barer, my mind is.
Once I saw my body as different yet still beautiful, I remembered I always loved it, even if it is 60kgs. I now have curves which make me look womanly. I have more muscle from all of the dance I do. I am still the same height. I am still fit, healthy and able-bodied. I feel beautiful internally and externally, and no scale will take that away from me.
My partner said to me the other day, "Something has changed, you are glowing" And I realised, I had changed, not externally but internally. When you are confident with yourself and your body no matter your size people see it, they resonate with it. My confidence has never been because I am slim; it has been because I believe in myself. I just forgot that for a while.
Maybe you are the heaviest you have ever been in your life, and maybe you hate yourself for it. But maybe, you can take a step back like I did and realise you are still beautiful as you are, your body just carries a few more stories with it then it did a few years ago.
Photos by Lila Marvell